Two lost people met....Two lost people seeking in each other a romantic reprieve with hopes of something real. Two lost people...found wanting- but not in each other...ones emotions gone dry...feelings run empty...replaced by an inhuman deciet, while the other held on,clung blindly in hope to what was no longer there.....
Now the Two are left broken over what had passed...disheveled in choas to personally clean up the pieces.
Seperated from what could have...deprived from chances of what both had hoped for....
What a waste...of emotion and time....
And yet...are the two better from the lesson...?
As the one left behind to feel the roadburns of the other happily moving on...
I feel only saddness....it's not your fault I put everything into you...needing fullfilment where there was none.
My own soul is darkened by the things that have happned to me..between us...my mind clouded and hopeless...wanting to find something to replace the emptiness of you not there.
I've been wrong...seeking it in the wrong place, searching in you something perfect that did not exist.
It started simple...then seeped through like a plague...reaching to the core of who I am...making me sick with with something I am not. I kept going like a driving force...pushing where there was nothing to push...desperate and hopeless from feeling you already gone I kept on...
I'm not perfect and when i'm pushed away I become a monster, representing something that i'm not. Looking back I see all the flaws....all my flaws, that didn't mesh.
I see myself more clearly now....my good and my bad...realizing where my weaknesses are that infiltrate and make things what are not.
I have a desire that needs to be fullfilled and looking in the wrong places...did not suffice.
My mind like an anchor in the storm...creating what is not really there to help me.
Am I more lost or have I finallly been found...with more understanding....
I do not know...
My heart is hardened, my resolve toughned,my reality more grounded...my passive nature is finally tired of being someones door mat.
So what now....but to keep going...my dark thoughts creeping in telling me it would be easier to lay down and give up what life I have...my death on his hands a reminder to him that humanity is fragile,special and not to be taken for granted .... no matter how meaningless the person may seem.
So where is the light in this darkness that I am stuck and lost in? I have to create that myself...no longer believing in human nature to trust....
I am just one now...my soul my own to keep, my peace to not be taken...
Daily in pain at his constant reminders that I have no worth to him, that I was nothing but a toy, that all along and even now he felt nothing...I gave my heart to unreciprocrated ends...
And now numbing myself to the reality it is no longer Two...that the illusion he created means my feelings never really existed, and in that he suffered more walking away from me then I did in the long run...he lost in his life all that he was fond of in me..
My goodness...my heart...my sincerity....
Leaving with him the videos I sent of sharing who I am... the movies as a reminder of my expressions of trust and adoration...
His part in MY story is over...his story isn't good enough...rightous enough...to be there with me to the finish...
And what a grand fullfilling story I will have!
My destiny is not tied to someone who walks away...
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