I am not going to settle for less anymore- this means >>No more murky, no more gray, no more undefined, and no more undeclared.And if at all possible try to know someone as best you can before you get naked.
I had a guy friend of mine flat out tell me the guys I’ve been associating with are straight up JERKS quoting “you should decide exactly what you want and then not settle for anything less.”
And I stopped and realized….he’s absolutely right.
Sure I’ve had in mind what I want, then id meet ‘Guy’ and decide I like him too much to give up on him and decide to deal with the BS he gives me.
Another thing that guy friend told me “if someone can’t give you a second to respond. They’re not worth the effort.”
So true…how many times have I sat by the phone…wasting away hours anticipating a text or call? An answer to a question? Waiting for him to tell me when he’s gonna see me?
Too many times…
My mind is fried and my heart is tired. 2 times this has happened now…and it’s only my fault b.c I keep giving into the idea of something that’s not there, which in return makes me settle for less.
I had another guy friend give me advice stating “If I tell a girl that I’m not interested in anything serious and she still sticks around anyways…its not my fault she gets hurt, cuz I warned her.”
Ouch…but true. The ‘Guy’ is probably thinking that, yet I keep stringing along in hopes that there will be more in the long run. But isn’t that basically settling for less? Giving up on something better out there…someone who would actually respect me, care about me- and SHOW it-Even if it’s just texting and calling me everyday…?
So after my sweet friend pointed out that I need to figure out what I want then not settle for less…it got me thinking…what DO I want? What do I deserve? That’s within reason of course…
So I’ve thought up some that not only I but other women should have for ‘wants and expectations’ to gauge guys to date.
1. Respect: answering texts and phone calls when possible>With complete honesty, but kindness. Showing up when a date is planned, calling and cancelling if they can’t. Responding to my concerns about relationship issues instead of avoiding. Verbally respecting you along with body language- calling names and pushin around. (some play is fun, but not all the time…duh)
2. Honesty: I like to say ‘honesty with sweet talking’ which is basically saying what’s on your mind but in the same sentence a sweet word of reassuring. “Babie, I’m sorry but I’m not interested in seeing you tonight.”I LOVE this…it’s my off button…I’m a sucker for sweet words and sweet talkin! This takes trust from the guy that I won’t be all emotional and drama about it…and I’m NOT. It’s when I don’t hear anything at all I get drama about it…DUH. Honest when I’m pushing too much, or being too annoying, or if they need space (give a time frame). I DESERVE this kind of honesty…EVERY girl does.
3. Communication: This goes along with honesty, but means more about actually communicating to me feelings of anger, frustration, sadness etc. I think ‘Guy’ and I coulda worked out better if he felt he could communicate and be more honest with me from the beginning- but he didn’t even TRY! He closed up, dropped off the face of the planet. So sad…that he didn’t give me a chance to prove to him I’m not a drama queen. Communication is huge for texting as well…well for me it is.
4. Dedication: Obviously if they are even remotely following along this path they will be dedicated enough to you and the relationship. If they are dedicated then they’d actually miss you, want to be with you, go out of their way to be with you. If they aren’t dedicated…why should you be? Why waste your time on someone who’s half in and half out. Why wait for them to be ready to ‘dedicate’ to a relationship….settling for less would be me waiting on someone to be ready. Sure, this requires a jump on the guys part…since they naturally shy away from something serious. But am I worth it?
5. Sex: Big part of a relationship…but women shouldn’t have to give it so easy to a guy to keep an interest. This includes texting as well…the 2 guys…honestly…only texted me when I started talking dirty. After awhile I started using it as a tool to get their attention. And of course when I switched to a serious topic…they disappeared. This is just horrible that guy would be this way…and stupid for me to settle for less and stick with them. Not only that, but if you feel it’s the only way to get a guy to be interested at all…your standards are way too low! Sure it’s fun to go play…but when it comes to finding something serious. Sex should be something fun, interesting, but also the guys gotta work for it.
Overall I DESERVE: honesty (someone who has the balls to be straightforward, someone who Is sweet and kind when doing it), communication (someone who WANTS to call or text EVERYDAY, someone who can text me just to say ‘busy day ill holler at you tomorrow babie ‘, someone that responds to my worries and needs of reassurance), Dedication (someone who WANTS to be with me and not ‘wait’, someone who is willing to take risks and get into a relationship)and Sex (respecting me by not letting me use it as an attention getter and making sure it means more)
I’m sure I might think of more and add them when they come to me. But that’s it for now…
As for my adventure with ‘Guy’…I know what the logical steps are…its following them instead of the one my heart wants me to follow.
If he doesn’t miss me after not talking to me at the end of a day (or 2)- he’s not worth it
If he doesn’t care enough to respond at all(to texts,IM's,Emails, Phone calls)- he’s not worth it
If he doesn’t try to catch me before he loses me…not worth it…
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Sex...
That's right...I said it SEX!
Got your attention?
Everyone in their sane minds favorite pastime :-)
Guys find it as a form of stress reliever-so I've been told- and women like it b.c it makes them feel emotionally more attached to a guy.
But then...there's no strings attached....
That's the topic of sex I bring up today...
Women's biggest 'weapon' to get a guy .... is sex with no strings attached. Now I'm not speaking about laying out like an all you can eat buffet! I'm talking about the flirt...verbal foreplay...the tease....and even to a girl its exciting and gets the ball rolling(haha no pun intended)!
If the sex is good...damn straight the guy will want to come back for more!
Here's the catch of no strings/ friends with benefits...
- no emotions are involved. Now granted...there will be some...gotta at least be able to stand the persons personality,like them just a little. I'm talking about the emotions that come with a serious relationship. Like getting clingy, sappy,starting to text them love notes....basically anything that involves the guy to invest himself in anything more then just sex.
- Drama. "why haven't you called?", "why you lookin at that other girl?" Etc etc...usually drama starts when the girl starts getting emotionally involved when there's nothing to get involved in. This will turn a guy off so bad that not even sex will be good to him anymore.
- Expectations. No strings attached means that there's no expecting the guy to call,text, wanna see you. You really have to let go and just take it as it comes. Sure u can expect some respect from a guy...and there should be...unless its a one night stand. But I'm talking about nagging a guy for attention and reassurance. They'll turn their back and fleeeeeee!
Using sex as a tool to get a guys attention is a dangerous game to play. Guys aren't just a peice of meat and deserve honesty and respect too. And we women are very capable of playing this game and ending up falling in love with them.
Can any real relationship start with FWB? I'd like to think that if both sides balance out and the game is stopped that Its possible. Especially if the friends part of the relationship is very strong. In this case you gotta let the guy initiate it b.c you risk him getting scared and backing off at being serious if he's not interested or ready for it.
It's a nice idea that we as women have control over some things in a relationship. Sex is one...
Most guys can't even really think about a relationship or something serious until after they get intimate....b.c its how they get close too...just in a more non emotional way as women.
Tread carefully if your wanting to play....
Got your attention?
Everyone in their sane minds favorite pastime :-)
Guys find it as a form of stress reliever-so I've been told- and women like it b.c it makes them feel emotionally more attached to a guy.
But then...there's no strings attached....
That's the topic of sex I bring up today...
Women's biggest 'weapon' to get a guy .... is sex with no strings attached. Now I'm not speaking about laying out like an all you can eat buffet! I'm talking about the flirt...verbal foreplay...the tease....and even to a girl its exciting and gets the ball rolling(haha no pun intended)!
If the sex is good...damn straight the guy will want to come back for more!
Here's the catch of no strings/ friends with benefits...
- no emotions are involved. Now granted...there will be some...gotta at least be able to stand the persons personality,like them just a little. I'm talking about the emotions that come with a serious relationship. Like getting clingy, sappy,starting to text them love notes....basically anything that involves the guy to invest himself in anything more then just sex.
- Drama. "why haven't you called?", "why you lookin at that other girl?" Etc etc...usually drama starts when the girl starts getting emotionally involved when there's nothing to get involved in. This will turn a guy off so bad that not even sex will be good to him anymore.
- Expectations. No strings attached means that there's no expecting the guy to call,text, wanna see you. You really have to let go and just take it as it comes. Sure u can expect some respect from a guy...and there should be...unless its a one night stand. But I'm talking about nagging a guy for attention and reassurance. They'll turn their back and fleeeeeee!
Using sex as a tool to get a guys attention is a dangerous game to play. Guys aren't just a peice of meat and deserve honesty and respect too. And we women are very capable of playing this game and ending up falling in love with them.
Can any real relationship start with FWB? I'd like to think that if both sides balance out and the game is stopped that Its possible. Especially if the friends part of the relationship is very strong. In this case you gotta let the guy initiate it b.c you risk him getting scared and backing off at being serious if he's not interested or ready for it.
It's a nice idea that we as women have control over some things in a relationship. Sex is one...
Most guys can't even really think about a relationship or something serious until after they get intimate....b.c its how they get close too...just in a more non emotional way as women.
Tread carefully if your wanting to play....
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Building
"Build a friendship...not a relationship” Like a foundation to a home as a relationship is the house. When the foundation isn’t strong enough and a relationship is pushed it comes crashing down; shaking, cracking, breaking the foundation that is there...keep forcing a relationship enough times- not even the foundation will be left...and the house becomes completely unbuildable. Yet…with a strong foundation, a beautiful home can be built…forever secure, safe and lovely.
I never got this concept until now...
I feel like apologizing to the guys I misunderstood this with...
Perhaps I have the fear that I would never be good enough for someone to actually 'build a house with' and be left with empty foundations laying everywhere.
"Can we just be friends?", "I think friendship is a better way for us to go"
I think I have a boneyard of foundations...empty,cracked,broken...
Then again perhaps its about chosing better foundation to 'use'...taking more time, having patience that i just dont have, and hoping that the house will be built eventually...and when it is done...it will be beautiful...like I know it will be.
I never got this concept until now...
I feel like apologizing to the guys I misunderstood this with...
Perhaps I have the fear that I would never be good enough for someone to actually 'build a house with' and be left with empty foundations laying everywhere.
"Can we just be friends?", "I think friendship is a better way for us to go"
I think I have a boneyard of foundations...empty,cracked,broken...
Then again perhaps its about chosing better foundation to 'use'...taking more time, having patience that i just dont have, and hoping that the house will be built eventually...and when it is done...it will be beautiful...like I know it will be.
Monday, July 19, 2010
The hint = “Space”
That’s what I’ve figured.
‘They’ say…when a guy is really into you, he’ll be the first to call, the first to text and go out of his way to be with you. Time and time… this has actually come to prove itself to me.
So what then when the silence starts? That’s where I’m confused at. In my mind…everything is going fine…but something else is going on in his head.
So the “Hint” starts.
Which is the guy> Maybe if I stop calling, answering texts, not answer the phone….she will get the hint I’m not interested and just leave me alone.Or if I dont answer she'll figure it out that I just have nothing to say or no response and wont bother me with it....
All I can say to that is “REALLY?” that’s so lame. Seriously guys….grow some balls. Even if it’s just a text to say “I’m needing some space give me a few days.” Its better then the silence and not knowing.
Deep down though…if you know you’re not interested in a girl…please just tell her. The longer you drag it out, the worse the drama/emotional part from her will be.
WHY do they do this stupid hint thing? Is it really to just avoid the nagging, crying, whining, emotional drama from a girl? It’s like they are digging themselves a hole by doing it this way instead of just being honest.
So I’ve devised some reasons that I’ve thought through…when you stop hearing from a guy as much as they were before.
1. They are actually just busy. (Girls still think, he could at least just text and let us know he’s too busy, but if this is the case then we feel confident that we will hear from them in a day...besides guys hate reassuring girls)
2. He’s so not into you. (In his mind, he’s already moved on to the next girl and you’re forgotten like yesterdays trash-ouch- and you’re left wondering)
3. He needs space. ( The problem with this ‘hint’ is that the girl really has no clue if its 1,2 or 3 so in a sense they might still bug the guy wondering….”where’d they go?” Which makes it only worse, but like I said NO CLUE! Not only that but we are constantly wondering “HOW LONG?”)
I’ve found that guys are so laid back about all this stuff…that they really do leave a girl to wonder, worry and be completely clueless about what’s going on…
My experience with a guy wanting space…is that it’s bad news. In some aspects I can’t help but wonder if that’s their first step of trying to just get out of the whole relationship. Then next step you just never hear from them again. I’ve been burned so many times by this ‘get a hint’ and ‘space’ concept. My initial reaction to a guy wanting space is “Well…time for me to move on cuz I guess its over.”
But I do have a logical side…and that kicks in saying. RELAX….just chill…if you never hear back from him…he’s an ASS anyways.
I have a bad habit though…when a guy tries the’ hint’ and I sense that he is…I rebel. I get so angry that they don’t have any BALLS to be straight with me that I push to just piss them off into being straightforward with me…just so I can say “See how easy that was? Coulda saved us all this pain if you did that in the first place…dickface…” (So a guy with complete honesty would be good for me… LOL)
Usually if they need space then it means you’ve pushed them away in some way. What’s next when a guy wants space? How can a girl keep from worrying that the guy will inevitably just not be interested anymore?Is there any hope if a guy wants space that he will actually come back?
Left with only the good memories until you hear from them again…trying to be drama free about it, understanding and respectful of their ‘spatial’ needs….trying to keep from being torn inside….
So just be straight…no hiding...no avoiding…no hints…it saves a lot of wasted time and heartache…trust me!
‘They’ say…when a guy is really into you, he’ll be the first to call, the first to text and go out of his way to be with you. Time and time… this has actually come to prove itself to me.
So what then when the silence starts? That’s where I’m confused at. In my mind…everything is going fine…but something else is going on in his head.
So the “Hint” starts.
Which is the guy> Maybe if I stop calling, answering texts, not answer the phone….she will get the hint I’m not interested and just leave me alone.Or if I dont answer she'll figure it out that I just have nothing to say or no response and wont bother me with it....
All I can say to that is “REALLY?” that’s so lame. Seriously guys….grow some balls. Even if it’s just a text to say “I’m needing some space give me a few days.” Its better then the silence and not knowing.
Deep down though…if you know you’re not interested in a girl…please just tell her. The longer you drag it out, the worse the drama/emotional part from her will be.
WHY do they do this stupid hint thing? Is it really to just avoid the nagging, crying, whining, emotional drama from a girl? It’s like they are digging themselves a hole by doing it this way instead of just being honest.
So I’ve devised some reasons that I’ve thought through…when you stop hearing from a guy as much as they were before.
1. They are actually just busy. (Girls still think, he could at least just text and let us know he’s too busy, but if this is the case then we feel confident that we will hear from them in a day...besides guys hate reassuring girls)
2. He’s so not into you. (In his mind, he’s already moved on to the next girl and you’re forgotten like yesterdays trash-ouch- and you’re left wondering)
3. He needs space. ( The problem with this ‘hint’ is that the girl really has no clue if its 1,2 or 3 so in a sense they might still bug the guy wondering….”where’d they go?” Which makes it only worse, but like I said NO CLUE! Not only that but we are constantly wondering “HOW LONG?”)
I’ve found that guys are so laid back about all this stuff…that they really do leave a girl to wonder, worry and be completely clueless about what’s going on…
My experience with a guy wanting space…is that it’s bad news. In some aspects I can’t help but wonder if that’s their first step of trying to just get out of the whole relationship. Then next step you just never hear from them again. I’ve been burned so many times by this ‘get a hint’ and ‘space’ concept. My initial reaction to a guy wanting space is “Well…time for me to move on cuz I guess its over.”
But I do have a logical side…and that kicks in saying. RELAX….just chill…if you never hear back from him…he’s an ASS anyways.
I have a bad habit though…when a guy tries the’ hint’ and I sense that he is…I rebel. I get so angry that they don’t have any BALLS to be straight with me that I push to just piss them off into being straightforward with me…just so I can say “See how easy that was? Coulda saved us all this pain if you did that in the first place…dickface…” (So a guy with complete honesty would be good for me… LOL)
Usually if they need space then it means you’ve pushed them away in some way. What’s next when a guy wants space? How can a girl keep from worrying that the guy will inevitably just not be interested anymore?Is there any hope if a guy wants space that he will actually come back?
Left with only the good memories until you hear from them again…trying to be drama free about it, understanding and respectful of their ‘spatial’ needs….trying to keep from being torn inside….
So just be straight…no hiding...no avoiding…no hints…it saves a lot of wasted time and heartache…trust me!
Mystery...
...of the dating world...
That’s where I’m at now…. Gone from the dating world for the last 6 years.
Although, I wasn’t very good at it in the first place so now I’m navigating…
I’m too straight forward, aggressive, to the point and I don’t play the stupid “Playing hard to get game”. Which let’s face it…that’s just how guys work…even the ones who say they don’t. They find more appeal in the mystery with a hint of tease…then the real thing. It’s perhaps unattractive to them that a woman would like them “a lot” and be open about it?
I’m thinking this is for a few reasons….
One it puts a newfound pressure on them. Like “Oh crap…she really likes me…now what? I only like her just a little….or Do I have to show her affection back now? Then they mentally hyperventilate and start doing the ‘hint’.
Secondly, if it’s not reciprocated….your just in flat trouble. This goes for the girl and guy. The guy is overwhelmed with not wanting to ‘hurt’ your feelings and cause drama…and the girl is left heart wide open and completely clueless….
Both sexes are so hard to read and understand…
Men are so casual…usually wanting to go with the flow of the relationship not wanting to put ‘titles’ on anything…leaving things as they are, not exploring or talking about things…completely emotionless… “it is what it is”…
Women on the other hand…over think…talk too much…emotional…drama…
Yet with a good woman, the guy will never have a doubt of her affection and will know he can always trust her. How many of you guys can say with assuredness the girl you are dating/seeing will never cheat on you? How often has it happened in the past that they have? Did you ever feel smothered by them? That they were too clingy? Did you tell them this; give them the subtle hint that you needed ‘space’? Be careful what you wish for….
Guys don’t want clingy and smothering
Guys don’t want overemotional or drama
Guys don’t want ‘too much’ of anything (ha except sex)
But then they want someone genuine, honest, trusting, sweet….
They want someone to come home to, to feel loved by…feel wanted…
I’m sure deep down...they are just as lonely in the darkness of night…as they try to fall asleep…as we women are...
So where’s the compromise?
I have no clue….
So then…it is back to playing the ‘game’…of seeming interested yet not 100% available, keeping them wondering etc. I horribly fail at that part. Perhaps I’m just a simple girl and games escape me.
My close female friend keeps telling me to not be serious with anyone and explore the FWB(friends with benefits) lifestyle. I’ve never done that….I don’t even know what it really means to be ‘no strings attached’ kind of girl. Not only that I can’t help but think how slutty id be viewed…which I’m just not…
Besides…I get emotionally attached when I’m intimate…that’s just how I am, which I think is sweet. It means something to me…the person I’m with means something to me….and that person will know who they are….
Besides…what do all these terms mean nowadays? Here’s how I remember it…but it could have changed since then (6 years ago)> Please add feedback and I will add into this post other ‘titles’ that are out there!
-Dating> not exclusive, being with other people, going on ‘dates’, emotions only kind of involved, no expectations, only 40% interested in the other person life
-Seeing someone> exclusive? More than just dating, emotions involved, expectations are built, 100% interested in others person life
-No strings attached (FWB)> not dating, no emotions, no interest in each other’s personal life, only sex
So where am I…? At dating I suppose…until someone wants more…
So I share this adventure with you….because that’s just how I am. I love verbal exploration into the unknown. Feedback from guys would be great too….because although I may say a lot…I have NO clue…left with assumptions…I walk with no trust into the dating world….
This is my version of “Sex and the City”.
That’s where I’m at now…. Gone from the dating world for the last 6 years.
Although, I wasn’t very good at it in the first place so now I’m navigating…
I’m too straight forward, aggressive, to the point and I don’t play the stupid “Playing hard to get game”. Which let’s face it…that’s just how guys work…even the ones who say they don’t. They find more appeal in the mystery with a hint of tease…then the real thing. It’s perhaps unattractive to them that a woman would like them “a lot” and be open about it?
I’m thinking this is for a few reasons….
One it puts a newfound pressure on them. Like “Oh crap…she really likes me…now what? I only like her just a little….or Do I have to show her affection back now? Then they mentally hyperventilate and start doing the ‘hint’.
Secondly, if it’s not reciprocated….your just in flat trouble. This goes for the girl and guy. The guy is overwhelmed with not wanting to ‘hurt’ your feelings and cause drama…and the girl is left heart wide open and completely clueless….
Both sexes are so hard to read and understand…
Men are so casual…usually wanting to go with the flow of the relationship not wanting to put ‘titles’ on anything…leaving things as they are, not exploring or talking about things…completely emotionless… “it is what it is”…
Women on the other hand…over think…talk too much…emotional…drama…
Yet with a good woman, the guy will never have a doubt of her affection and will know he can always trust her. How many of you guys can say with assuredness the girl you are dating/seeing will never cheat on you? How often has it happened in the past that they have? Did you ever feel smothered by them? That they were too clingy? Did you tell them this; give them the subtle hint that you needed ‘space’? Be careful what you wish for….
Guys don’t want clingy and smothering
Guys don’t want overemotional or drama
Guys don’t want ‘too much’ of anything (ha except sex)
But then they want someone genuine, honest, trusting, sweet….
They want someone to come home to, to feel loved by…feel wanted…
I’m sure deep down...they are just as lonely in the darkness of night…as they try to fall asleep…as we women are...
So where’s the compromise?
I have no clue….
So then…it is back to playing the ‘game’…of seeming interested yet not 100% available, keeping them wondering etc. I horribly fail at that part. Perhaps I’m just a simple girl and games escape me.
My close female friend keeps telling me to not be serious with anyone and explore the FWB(friends with benefits) lifestyle. I’ve never done that….I don’t even know what it really means to be ‘no strings attached’ kind of girl. Not only that I can’t help but think how slutty id be viewed…which I’m just not…
Besides…I get emotionally attached when I’m intimate…that’s just how I am, which I think is sweet. It means something to me…the person I’m with means something to me….and that person will know who they are….
Besides…what do all these terms mean nowadays? Here’s how I remember it…but it could have changed since then (6 years ago)> Please add feedback and I will add into this post other ‘titles’ that are out there!
-Dating> not exclusive, being with other people, going on ‘dates’, emotions only kind of involved, no expectations, only 40% interested in the other person life
-Seeing someone> exclusive? More than just dating, emotions involved, expectations are built, 100% interested in others person life
-No strings attached (FWB)> not dating, no emotions, no interest in each other’s personal life, only sex
So where am I…? At dating I suppose…until someone wants more…
So I share this adventure with you….because that’s just how I am. I love verbal exploration into the unknown. Feedback from guys would be great too….because although I may say a lot…I have NO clue…left with assumptions…I walk with no trust into the dating world….
This is my version of “Sex and the City”.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)